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Without Fear or Shame

Without Fear or Shame

What happens when you’ve gotten to a point in your life when you just don’t care what people think about you anymore?

I think….no… I know, I’m there !!!!!

And to be quite honest, its sorta scary and liberating, but more scary. Its almost like I’m not even recognizing my own self. I don’t know what end of the spectrum I’m on but I think I’m somewhere in between WHATEVER and WHO CARES?” Thats literally been my slogan, mantra, motto, anthem, trademark- whatever you wanna call it, lately.

My husband is one of two people I tend to express myself freely with; my thoughts, my plans, etc. He doesn’t always get me but most times he gets me. The other person is my mother, obviously she knows me - she raised me and on many levels she understands me. The caveat to that is her lens is a bit different.  Deep down, I don’t expect anyone to fully understand my mental. I'm a complicated mix. That being said, Courtney, my husband has been the voice of “reason” more than usual lately. Ok, to be completely honest it hasn't been just lately he's always been more stable -to the point of annoyance. There's no panic in him. Only calm. I'm way more emotional. And I started to wonder why. Why am I having to be reeled in so much lately? 

Why have I been so raw lately? So daring? So carefree? Who is this person? 

So it got me to thinking. I think I've gotten to a point where I just don't give a 💩... I'm exploring me..Layers of me that have always been around but too afraid to peep out and say hello. Layers of me that might've made appearances in the past but never stayed around long enough for me to mold and mesh with the present me. Layers that may have been misunderstood and misrepresented. Layers that then tucked away and hid. 

For whatever reason they're coming back and ready to make a grand entrance. For instance, in the past my mind always took me to this very sentence… “I can’t do that, what would people think of me?” One of the many figurative cages I placed myself in.

However honeybunch peep in on a conversation with myself while browsing lipsticks in Sephora

Scenario: (old me)

Me: I wanna buy this blue lipstick. I think it’ll look cute on me…

Also me : Girl where you think you going with some blue lipstick?” People gonna think you’re a fool.

Same scenario ( me the other day)

Me: I wanna buy this blue lipstick. I think it’ll look cute on me…

Also me: Get it. You can rock it hun’tee …

Me: But people gonna think you a fool


See what I mean? Who is this girl? The padlock that was on my filter is unlatched and wide open and its alarming and freeing at the same darn time.

An image a friend sent to me after having a conversation about self examination.

An image a friend sent to me after having a conversation about self examination.

Some may say I've never had a filter. Ive been known to blurt the first thing that comes to my mind a time or two. Say things that most wouldn't dare or speak thoughts that make some uncomfortable but trust me theres always been a filter- half shut. Like I said lately its been bubbling over. Explosively. Keeping my thoughts in just doesn't work for me. I've learned I'm much happier when I'm expressing myself- be it verbally, emotionally, or creatively. Not some watered down, filtered version of myself. I do enjoy the person I’ve become thus far. Im way less angry. Way more centered. Way more pleasant. Way more tactful and I credit that entirely to my study of the Bible. But this same self expression has tapered. Which not gonna lie in some ways needed to be.

The old Tia, the one who expressed herself through being social has vanished. This part I’m pleased with. I no longer need to be around people. I desire the company of my family and a select few friends but I’ve been in this space for a long time; if I don’t have to be around you, (coworkers/associates for instance) then I really don’t want to be around you. That may sound depressing and reclusive for some but really its a beautiful thing when you enjoy your own company and being alone. Im learning that the most important relationship you can have is with yourself. Seriously, I once thought I was an extrovert then I realized that I have to turn that part of me “on”  and I won’t lie being in social butterfly mode is fun for me, but I can only take it in limited quantities nowadays. I much prefer my solitude. That part I’m comfortable with.



Im not comfortable with how I’ve allowed myself to spend my valuable time. Ive always been creative and self expression is so much of who I am. I create things. I’m not an artist but I’m artistic. I’m happiest when Im making something- a candle, some shea butter and I’ve lost all traces of that while adulting.  Another casualty as a result of adulting has been my originality in what I wear.  Some people will get this but others will say its frivolous or superficial and “its just clothes.” I was never that girl who could pick out her clothes for school for the entire week. I literally had to, and still have to dress myself based on how I feel that day. Way back then I discovered how clothes could make you feel, their transformative power and their outlet as self expression. Over the years though I’ve edited this part of myself. For various reasons- none of which I’ll address in this post but I said all that to say this.. Look out world …Tia two point 18 is here ! Who knows where i’ll be 5 years from now or if I’ll BE 5 years from now but…

What I’ve realized is the one guarantee in life is that things will change. I’ve changed. A lot. The girl I once remember being is long gone. I liked her. I loved her. I needed her and the people she brought me along the way but she was on a discovery to find the woman I am now and I’m loving her too. AND IF YOU DONT, WHO CARES??????

Foundation Fixation

Foundation Fixation

WTF --- What, Travel Fatigue?

WTF --- What, Travel Fatigue?